Monday, July 11, 2005

A series of unfortunate events

Ever felt angry with God because you thought that He made things seemed so tough for you in life and yet remained so silent and distance? And you cry out "God, I can't take this anymore...what do you actually want me to do or learn?"

Let's just start by saying probably life has been a bumpy ride for a while and perhaps last week itself triggered me to my limits, almost. Starting with my appraisal, my boss is holding it back without a glimpse of news for almost 2 months now. According to my supervisor, she seemed to think I have an attitude problem towards her...remember one of my previous posts? Yeah, due to that incident, I supposed I have offended her. Oh about woman and grudges and taking things personal and choosing to remember them. Life at work is fine except for my boss who seem to find my faults, my whole team has realised on such dislike towards me.

Oh did i mentioned, I kena another 'ticket' for driving-speeding the Sorento during the Northern region roadshow in March alongside my colleague who was also charged of the same offense. Haihhhh..another RM 150 just ready to fly away from my already full of holes pocket.

Then there comes the place i encounter of misunderstanding with a housemate, which I must admit, initially it was my mistake but yesterday's misunderstanding which turned to an exchanged of angered emotions just added more stress. I hate it when people use phrases like this "The Lord knows and the Lord sees" or similar. But thankfully, my friend was there with me and at least, there is a witness. Guess most of my friends who have met this particular housemate are afraid of her.
I wanted to cry yesterday, I didnt. I just went to sleep and after about less than half an hour, my housemate just picks up her guitar and started worshipping God for an hour, at least. I just took the pillow and closed my head and deep in me, I was just so irritated "God, make her stop! What's wrong with her? Can't she worship you in her room?" Talk about being considerate...

This morning, driving to work...I cried. I must say, I'm struck down.

"God, why do you make things so hard for me? Tough family, tough childhood that I may be tough in life but its so tough going through all these, seemingly alone?" The luxury o turning to my parents for a shoulder to cry on...nope, no such luxury for me. In fact, I don't want to make them worry, less one worry for them.

I don't want to be like my boss or my housemate, who is older and they are such difficult woman to tolerate, one's not a Christian, one is. What's the difference? One don't know God, one uses God's name.
If I grow old a single, I don't want to be like them. Please God...neither do I want to be a single for the rest of my life.

In times like these when there are so many 'failures' in my life...I can easily fall into self-condemnation

Father, please.....where are You?

Btw, please keep my grandma in prayers...she is in the hospital, skin disease. Been a month


kiawin said...

the encounter with God comes only in faith. the distance you felt is no more or less common with everyone of us. we lived in a world filled with sounds and signs. we see things, we hear things.

but God had made us special. He let us to believe in Him in faith, and not sight. Just like what it is mentioned in John,

Joh 20:29 (KJV) Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

it's a hope, when we trust that God is with us. The essence of emmanuel is not about God is around us, but, God is in us.

No matter what lies ahead, trust in God that He is watching over you. Not leaving you alone.

gnileno said...

Hi, In camp cam this is my name for God " A God who works in the midst of Silence". I know He does, even we do not see it. Take care

antiterrorist said...

God always work in the most unexpected ways.

Be patient sis. Will keep you in my prayers :)