Monday, June 06, 2005

A lesser Christian, am I?

Much happened over the weekend, much more happened since past few months, which has prompted me to jot my thoughts here. Its a bit scattered as the mess in me has not completely been sorted out
Having a handful of friends who seemed to succed in their pursuit of the intellect in the realm of the Christian Faith has motivated me to question my own knowledge in this area and I must admit, how much I'm far behind. When issues such a postmodernism, pluralism, oneness pentecostal etc submerge...I usually try hard to understand and left with much blanks to be filled in. Also, when I learned of a couple of friends who have diverted from being Christian to oneness, I begin to realise how important it is to equip oneself lest I fall...also begin to question, these are great friends, why did they chose to 'divert'? Talking to them makes me realised how shallow I am in defending my Faith. One God, one Bible...so many debates.
Thus begins my journey in the intelectual realm (as I write, I still struggle)

Often times, I felt 'caught in the middle' as I have another group of friends who are not as gungho as the former group and are often viewed as more 'charismatic'. Different views surround me. At times, being the amaetuer Christian I am, in terms of intellect, I'm also afraid of the knowledge I read...what if I'm being diverted in the midst of my search?
Over the weekend too, my character was being commented...negatively. Found out that there have been people, whom I considered friends, agreed on how difficult a person I am. As if not enough, I have often been labelled as the silly gal
Looks like I have failed both in character and intellect...what is there left of me?
I have been asking:
If one can't seem to be intelectual is Faith, does it make the person a lesser Christian?
If one is more 'charismatic', does it make the person a lesser Christian?
If one has failed in character even in the midst of own brethens, does it make the person a lesser Christian?
(not referring to the poor, uneducated, lame or deaf...but those who have been labelled as 'charismatic' and lack in knowledge)

I yearn so much to increase in knowledge and indeed, I seek but yet I can't seem to get there. When in the midst of some friends whose conversation involved those of authors and topics I don't seem to grasp, I will be quiet...not because I'm not interested but because I do not understand and it's frustrating at times. Many times too, I have received comments on not to ask nonsense or comment when I should not have. Think first! As if to imply I don't think enough.

This entry sounds pessimist...I supposed it is for one who have been commented negatively in intellect and character, not one nor twice but often times.
I cried to the Only One I know who will love me just the way I am...have I fail as Your daughter? I do not know how to go about anymore as i pen my jottings here...this mess, is there hope for me? THE CROSS
Indeed, I can testify right now...all disappointments, whom can understand but JESUS? All hurts, who can understand but JESUS? Who can love the imperfect me but JESUS? Who can understand all loneliness but JESUS?
Hear my cry from Heaven Oh Lord, I have none but You alone...the One who created me and breathe me into life, who understands me better than myself.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jo,

We are called Christian because we proclaim that God's grace and what He has done for us was enough to save us from the penalty of sin.

We are here because of God's grace and will last also because of His grace. Hold on tight sister. God will pull you through.

Janey

Sze Zeng said...

Hey,

it takes time. Take it slowly, even Geisler can't memorize his own encyclopedia.

Try specific your area of interest first. For eg. set up one area, say doctrine of sin, and study on it thoroughly. This might take longer than you expected. And after that, then only you move on to other topics.

=)

Anonymous said...

My own belief is that no one is "bashing" the charismatics because they are charismatic. Not because they sing loudly like no one's business, not because they speak in weird unintangible words claiming it to come from God, not because they build big buildings with money that can be used for "other things", not because they have mtv style worship sessions which sometimes rob our songs of the doxology. WE, charismatics, are often targeted because of our lack of enthusiasm in READING the bible seriously. We just don't take the bible serious enough, often become contented with shallow expositions, if not heretical ones.

That all being said, I must say that I believe, just as you have expressed, that Christians operate solely in the realm of undeserving grace, not our intellects nor our foolishness. Our strength or despair cannot be used to blackmail GOd to love us more or less. Thank God for that.

Apostle Henri Ramayana

Comrade Kenny said...
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Comrade Kenny said...
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Comrade Kenny said...

Like Sze Zeng said, it takes time. Be patient.

As for those chaps on the other site you linked me to... well, what do they know eh?

I'm not too well versed in the art of economics, but wouldn't it be better in the long term that we have a permanent address to worship in?

Plus we wouldn't have to pay all those rental fees that we've been paying for all these past years. Funds could be diverted to the missionaries and public services instead.

enn@j said...

attention to all beloved brothers and sisters in Christ & friends,

Errr...i realised some of you have been kinda worried for me after reading this depressing entry as i received mails and 'well wishes'

A friend called for lunch today and commented, hey its so different to read your blog and meet the real person. You are still that same ol' joanne mah! Why so depress?

Ok ok, thanks guys for your concern. I was indeed, depressed a lil when I wrote that entry but no worries ya =)Been doing a lot of own evaluation on the condition of my heart following that

Really appreciate your concerns =)