Much happened over the weekend, much more happened since past few months, which has prompted me to jot my thoughts here. Its a bit scattered as the mess in me has not completely been sorted out
Having a handful of friends who seemed to succed in their pursuit of the intellect in the realm of the Christian Faith has motivated me to question my own knowledge in this area and I must admit, how much I'm far behind. When issues such a postmodernism, pluralism, oneness pentecostal etc submerge...I usually try hard to understand and left with much blanks to be filled in. Also, when I learned of a couple of friends who have diverted from being Christian to oneness, I begin to realise how important it is to equip oneself lest I fall...also begin to question, these are great friends, why did they chose to 'divert'? Talking to them makes me realised how shallow I am in defending my Faith. One God, one Bible...so many debates.
Thus begins my journey in the intelectual realm (as I write, I still struggle)
Often times, I felt 'caught in the middle' as I have another group of friends who are not as gungho as the former group and are often viewed as more 'charismatic'. Different views surround me. At times, being the amaetuer Christian I am, in terms of intellect, I'm also afraid of the knowledge I read...what if I'm being diverted in the midst of my search?
Over the weekend too, my character was being commented...negatively. Found out that there have been people, whom I considered friends, agreed on how difficult a person I am. As if not enough, I have often been labelled as the silly gal
Looks like I have failed both in character and intellect...what is there left of me?
I have been asking:
If one can't seem to be intelectual is Faith, does it make the person a lesser Christian?
If one is more 'charismatic', does it make the person a lesser Christian?
If one has failed in character even in the midst of own brethens, does it make the person a lesser Christian?
(not referring to the poor, uneducated, lame or deaf...but those who have been labelled as 'charismatic' and lack in knowledge)
I yearn so much to increase in knowledge and indeed, I seek but yet I can't seem to get there. When in the midst of some friends whose conversation involved those of authors and topics I don't seem to grasp, I will be quiet...not because I'm not interested but because I do not understand and it's frustrating at times. Many times too, I have received comments on not to ask nonsense or comment when I should not have. Think first! As if to imply I don't think enough.
This entry sounds pessimist...I supposed it is for one who have been commented negatively in intellect and character, not one nor twice but often times.
I cried to the Only One I know who will love me just the way I am...have I fail as Your daughter? I do not know how to go about anymore as i pen my jottings here...this mess, is there hope for me? THE CROSS
Indeed, I can testify right now...all disappointments, whom can understand but JESUS? All hurts, who can understand but JESUS? Who can love the imperfect me but JESUS? Who can understand all loneliness but JESUS?
Hear my cry from Heaven Oh Lord, I have none but You alone...the One who created me and breathe me into life, who understands me better than myself.