Monday, May 21, 2007


It's been quite a while, I'm back in this ol' little familiar corner

Not quite myself yet trying to find the balance to be myself lately. I'm "de-passioned". Is there even such a word?

What is it like to call yourself a Christian and living a good testimony?
'Tho am saved from rags for a second chance in life but why does this walk gets almost impossible of late? Trying to rise up after each circumstance but before i could get anywhere, I'm being shot down again and again...and again...

I feel of little impact at where I am, not being able to live my passion and being bombarded by the uncertain life although I know what God says in Jer 29:11 which i look at on my cube everyday. I feel stuck at where I am. For the past 1 year, I have tasted what it truly means to be judged by performance, popularity, looks, intelligience...and yet disliking the politics of it all and having to be in a people-pleasing line of work where $ is also the main focus. I wish to abandon all and just pursue my passion, envious of those friends who have done so...but there's no open doors and perhaps the one and only possibilty which I thought God has prepared was closed recently, a declination from
  • World Vision
  • . And there's always the financial burdens to be considered for the sake of the family

    Ever since then, i tried to move on in life...trusting God for His sovereign character and yet, battling the wars within me. The journey has been downhill since then - at work, at home, even at cell. I'm deem as having such a strong character that needed serious moulding and at times, probably offending people unrealisingly. I feel rotten, as if i never changed since my 'rags days'. I thought I'm a stronger and better person over the past experiences but hey, I'm very wrong. New trials made me realised how hopeless I can be.

    When one profess, "I Love God" and truly want to live for Him, what do one really mean? I find myself unable to utter that of late. "I Love You, Jesus" is way too unworthy for a de-passion being like me. It's tough to be a Christian and I'm beginning to feel weary, alone in this walk where I began wonder, what's the point trying to live a good testimony when each time you try, you fell worse?

    What's this life when you call yourself a Christian?
    What's this life when you can't live your passion?
    What's this life when you can't exercise your best skills?
    What's this life when there are no doors of opportunities?
    Whta's this life when you see so much and you can do so little?
    What's this life when you tried but you are struck down?
    What's this life when the One and Only God you trust is silent and trials comes bombarding you at your weakest points?
    What's this life when your compassion drops?
    What's this life when your passion fades? Can your passion fade? If it fades so easily when adversity hits, does it even deserve to be labelled as one's passion?

    I feel so much like Solomon in the bible "All is Vanity"
    If you have watched Heroes, I too, feel so much like Claire. I want to be normal. I didn't ask to be 'chosen' as a Christian but the fact is I am and thus, I struggle

    What a post after such a long silence. Let's hope I find Hope in my next post

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