Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Heart-breaking

I first blog about her here: 89, A Nyonya...My Amah and then shared a picture taken in this previous post

On Sunday, I came back to Penang. But the days before Sunday were not easy as I had to battle with my decision of staying on due to work commitments vs the possibility of not seeing my amah again for it may be too late when I return home. On Weds night, I pleaded and cried to God, asking of His Mercy and Grace to allow me to see my grandma because I truly want to pray for her and tell her how much she's loved and that whatever wrong doings there maybe in her younger days have all been forgiven...to tell her that not only I love her, but Jesus loves her so much that if she is to believe, she can peacefully return with her Maker. The days were long but it finally arrived.

Sunday, straight to the hospital where she lays in a 'sleeping mode', skin deteriorating badly, a tube into her nose for food, legs so skinny...its heart-breaking. Relatives surrounded her bed,some which I don't even know who as my family is very big..so many people talking at the same time. I was thinking to myself, how to pray in public for her? I'm the 4th generation and hierarchy is still evident in my family - sons have higher ranks than daugthers, grandchildren / children cannot supercede their parents in decisions. BUT something unexpected happened, my dad asked my sister for me to pray for my grandma - the 'christian' prayers. I was surprised and my sister thought she heard wrongly. Indeed, Christ has now a presence in my family. I prayed, I teared silently.

The next day, amah was told she can return home because she cannot go through any operations anymore, her body is not strong enough. In other words, she can only wait for her time to come. In an unexpected way, she can now open her eyes. I would say, "Amah, if you know who I am, blink your eyes...amah, if you can hear my prayers, blink your eyes...amah, if you believe in Jesus Christ, blink your eyes". She did. And so I just believe.

Its heart-breaking for me to see her merely existing, merely waiting for her time. She can't eat...only through a tube into her nose; she can't drink...only through us using the cotton to wet her lips that has cracked so badly, she can't talk even if she is in pain; she can't move even is she wants to. God, please take her. I can't bear this sight.

If there is one thing more painful than death; it is what I am seeing now. I prayed with her again just now. I teared...not silently this time. She has reactions and I was sure, there were tears in her eyes too. I asked "Amah...are you ready to go Home? If yes, I can ask of God to take you but please, you must believe that Jesus loves you and has forgiven you. There is nothing that you should hold back now so that peace will be in your heart."

And I am quite upset that God still hasn't taken her. Its VERY heartbreaking to see her like that. I know this is not my call...and yet I have never felt so heart-broken before - to see a loved one suffer in pain and I cannot be a voice to change things because it is now soley God's call.

2 comments:

Collin said...

that's a touching piece. u hang in there ok? :-)

enn@j said...

thank u collin :)